Sex Spoken Here Sex Toys Part 2 014
Welcome to my virtual therapy room! I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.
Today I am continuing my series on sex toys. So far in this series, I looked at vibrators and a couple of slightly different toys that still vibrate. If you haven’t had the opportunity to listen, I encourage you to do so.
Today, I’m starting with dildos and butt plugs. Despite being bisexual, I actually explored butt plugs before exploring dildos. My early hook ups with women were with women who used vibrators and didn’t like to use dildos or strap-ons. My early relationships with women were the same. I found the technicolour dildos a bit frightening. My first dildo was actually a stainless steel nJoy that could be made ice cold or warm to hot. It also warmed so beautifully when used. The texture of the stainless steel is so arousing to me and the nJoy hits the G spot so well.
The next dildo I experienced was a glass dildo and again this is very temperature sensitive so using it for temperature play is fantastic. Some of these are works of art and they are often made with ribs, ridges and bumps that touch you in places you never thought you wanted to be touched.
Finally, I was introduced to a proper silicone dildo by a lover who liked to use strap-ons. She had a bunch of different sizes and would let me choose what I felt like experiencing. One of them was so large, he was akin to a horse penis and I avoided that one. I couldn’t figure out how I would ever get it inside me. These dildos felt as though they were truly attached to my lover, as though she had a dick of her own. She loved having a dick though she did not identify as male in anyway. She first exposed me to chicks with dicks. Jay is also bisexual and she enjoyed fucking men with her dick as much as she enjoyed fucking women with it. I loved to watch her fuck other people almost as much as I loved to be fucked by her. Her rapt expressions highlighted her gratification as she rocked her hips with a fury.
For the next many years, I enjoyed being on the receiving end of a dildo. I even tried experimenting with double headed dildos. These can be extreme fun but they take a bit to get the hang of. I found some of the co-ordination difficult but Jill says that they are her favourite toy and rocking with her girlfriend is a sure way to increase multiple orgasms.
About 5 years ago, a girlfriend asked me to fuck her. I had tried a strap-on once before but found it awkward. I wanted to be able to please her so I decided to give it one more try. To do this, I went to find a better strap on belt and dildo, one that would be easier to manage. I wanted a dildo that was close to my skin colour. Though I have never wanted to have a penis, I wanted to try to experience this as being more a part of me as friends had told me that the more I owned the penis, the better I would be at fucking. I was visiting my then fiancé in Los Angeles so this meant a shopping trip to the Pleasure Chest.
This trip was filled with laughter as I looked through all of the different possibilities. There were dildos that were technicolour, some that were huge and others that didn’t really look like penises at all. First I found a strap-on belt that was a sport style. I found this far more comfortable than the ones that split my butt cheeks like thongs do. I found an average size dildo that was close to my skin colour. My stomach is not flat so when looked down it was the strangest experience because it looked like my own penis. I identify as a woman for gender and I have always done so. As a result, this was a surreal moment as I saw my own dick.
Next I felt I needed to learn how to use the strap-on before fucking my date. Since I had never owned a penis before, I decided to ask an expert – my fiancé. He had been the owner of a penis for 55 years by that time. He gave me some lessons focusing on the hip rocking movements and reminding me that I won’t be able to get direct feedback through the dildo so I needed to own it as much as I could as this would make it easier for me to predict responses to my movements. I have had sex with women and trans-men who truly owned the penises they attached to their bodies. They were so skilled that it was easy to forget they were not born with flesh and blood penises. I did not feel this way so it took practice so I would be convincing and effective and be able to give my partner thrills. After my lessons, I went on my date and I am happy to report that she had a great time and told me I fucked her well. I enjoyed the experience of being able to give her pleasure in that way but I did not find it exciting to be the one with the penis. I didn’t get turned on by fucking her. I really am much happier being the receptive partner when it comes to penetration by penises or dildos.
Not too long ago, a friend sent me a link to a site called Bad Dragon. This company makes dildos in the shapes of different (mostly) mythical beasts penises. The most popular are dragon dildos but werewolf comes in a close second. They are made in various sizes and colours and some are designed for men to put over their penises and have a tube for ejaculation. They also have some vaginas for men to use for masturbation or for women to insert so that they can be penetrated when wearing one.
Finally there are the dildos that are made as a dilation set (with vibration) by Sh! to help women who have vaginismus. These are smooth silicon and in various sizes and can have a bullet vibrator in them as well. They are used in the treatment of vaginismus which is when the pelvic floor muscles contract involuntarily causing painful sex or the inability to have penetration at all.
I didn’t mention vibrating dildos earlier. There are some dildos that are made with a pocket to insert a bullet vibrator at the base so this presses against the vulva and clitoris in some cases when the dildo is in the strap-on harness. That way the person doing the fucking is also receiving stimulation. These can be lots of fun to play with as well.
Of course strap-ons can be used for pegging (which is when a woman fucks a man). I have had a lot of clients over the years who love to experience their girlfriends and wives fucking them. Some of these men are submissive but many are not. They just enjoy the anal stimulation and the prostate stimulation.
Dildos have been around since paleolithic times. The first ones were made of stone and wood. For some reason many archaeologists have talked about them being simply symbolic for fertility instead of accepting the fact that they were used for sex toys then as well. The oldest one is 20cm and from the Upper Paleolithic era – circa 30,000 years ago.
Dildos are seen in Greek art and also feature in Greek plays. They are mentioned in Shakespeare’s A Winter’s Tale.
Dildos remain illegal in some jurisdictions like parts of India for example. They remained banned Alabama though they are no longer illegal in Texas, Kansas or Colorado.
Reviews from friends, lovers and clients:
Manny, who is transgendered, has 4 favourite cocks. He has one that he uses for packing. Packing is when you wear soft to semi-hard dildo in pants so that you have a penis even when not having sex. He has three he uses for sex. The first is very close to his own colouring and is average size and girth. The second is also close to his own colouring but is significantly larger. The third is technicolour and medium sized. He says ‘I can give a girl something no bio man ever can – a choice of cocks – a big one for size queens and an average one for most of the time.’
Wendy says ‘I love playing with my glass dildo especially when it is cold. It slowly heats up inside me and I heat up with it.’
Rachel says ‘I enjoy fucking Tom with my strap-on which is average size. He loves the feeling of being so full and I love being the one in control. I also love to use my nJoy to stimulate his prostate or sometimes he uses it in my pussy. The hardness of the steel is so different from other dildos. And I love playing with temperature too.’
Butt plugs
These come in tons of shapes and sizes. The most popular shape is a teardrop or diamond shape. These start small and can be found in huge sizes. The materials range from the simple silicone which is probably most popular because it is smooth and has some give to metal ones with a jewelled handle to glass ones with fur or horse hair tails. The ones with tails are something to see. The people who use these have to get used to moving around with them inside so that they don’t push them out. Human ponies often have elaborate horse hair tails. For those of you who don’t know, human ponies are people who act as ponies and will do activities like pulling a cart, racing and carrying people or even dressage events like actual ponies participate in. They wear harness, sometimes blinders, bits, boots with horse shoe heels and, sometimes a full face mask or a partial one with pony ears and horse tails. Their training is very elaborate. There are other animals that people will pretend to be (puppies for example) and they might wear fur tails.
Butt plugs can be difficult to get used to. We are used to pushing things out using those muscles so the tendency is to push the plug out as well. It often takes training to be able to use them well. Training is starting with a small plug and wearing it for a short period of time and moving slowly to longer periods of time and larger plugs.
Butt plugs provide a great way to incorporate anal stimulation, particularly if you don’t want to have full on anal sex. Greg loves them so much that he wears a small one every day. He says ‘I am always aroused that way.’ I asked him if he was able to concentrate to work and he replied ‘Of course, the arousal stays in the background at those times. But it is always there and that is how I like it.’
Mary finds butt plugs humiliating but exciting at the same time. She says ‘It is so embarrassing to have anything in my ass. And even more embarrassing how hot it makes me. So I love having my plug in. I have one with a big red jewel in the handle. It is made of stainless steel and sometimes I put it in the fridge for 10 minutes before putting it inside me. That can make me scream but as it warms it makes me moan. I can come just from the plug inside me.’
Thanks for joining me this week for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter @drbisbey. For a free 30 minute strategy session with me, go to www.the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now! I look forward to seeing you next week when I will continue the series on sex toys.
