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Published on:

17th May 2017

009 Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey, Pharaoh Kaf-Ra and Empress Nahara: BDSM and Power Exchange Part 3: Dominant Couples

Sex Spoken Here BDSM, Power Dynamics in Relationships and the reality of 50 Shades Part 3

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Today we are beginning our discussion about BDSM and power dynamics in relationship. Since the advent of 50 Shades of Grey, many people have approached me wondering if BDSM is something for them or saying their partner has come out as dominant or submissive and wanting to understand power dynamics in relationships and talk about power exchange. We have been delving deep into these areas for the past two episodes. Quick recap: For those of you who don’t know, BDSM stands for Bondage, Discipline, Sadism and Masochism.  Power exchange relationships are ones in which one person takes the dominant role and the other person the submissive role by agreement.  Almost all relationships contain power dynamics they are just not necessarily negotiated or clearly acknowledged.

Joining me today to continue the discussion are Pharoah Khaf Re and Empress Nahara who have the House of Kemi-Nesew. They are both lifestyle dominants for more than the past 15 years. First I asked them to describe what a dominant couple led household looks like. They both emphasised that it requires one vision and that they discuss things together and lead from there.  We spoke about the difference between this type of household and one where there is a dominant at the top and a switch (someone who is dominant sometimes and submissive others) next and others underneath. Pharaoh highlighted that this is still a single led household so one person is responsible for all final decisions. They pointed out that they are able to support each other because they both have the same vision even to the point of one stepping in during a scene if the other is finding energy a bit low. 

We highlighted the fact that service to a couple is not only possible but can be very rewarding. It can be a bit complicated but certainly isn’t too complicated to work.  They spoke of wanting people who are clear they are submissive to both of them and that they will be taking direction from both of them and wanting people who are already adults and handle their own lives. They are not interested in total power exchange at this time as it is far too much energy and they have a child at home and don’t want to be overt in front of their child. 

We talked about the fact that some people are completely out in front of their children and the details of their lives are clear and that many of us feel that we don’t want to give our children too much information as we want them to enjoy their childhoods without having to think about things they are not yet ready to deal with.

We spoke about the joys in having someone who has a high level of congruence to share the head of household with and that communication is essential to making these relationships work. They pointed out that people who are new to this type of relationship benefit from having mentors and that even experienced folk find benefit in having a mentor to talk through difficult bits of relationships with. Pharoah pointed out that lifestyle and kinky relationships require putting all your cards on the table immediately so that people know what they are getting into and that there is lots of conversation and negotiation early on whereas vanilla relationships tend to build slowly and often people find themselves emotionally committed before really knowing each other.

We spoke about the desire for love and thinking that you can only love one person at a time being one of the problems that dominants are presented with and that many people enter this new type of relationship with the patterns from their old relationships still in place. Many are looking for husbands or wives and just substitute Master or Mistress as the terms they use. This does not work well.  We ended with encouragement to consider this lifestyle and to approach a dominant couple.

Thanks for joining me this week for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter @drbisbey. For a free 30 minute strategy session with me, go to www.the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now!  I look forward to seeing you next week

 

 

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About the Podcast

Sex Spoken Here
Sex Spoken Here Podcast
Welcome to Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey! Welcoming to my virtual therapy rooms! Talking about sexual concerns, issues and problems can be incredibly difficult. Finding accurate information in this age of information overload is a challenge. Finding a safe space to raise sexual desires, fears and worries is often almost impossible. As a sex coach and psychotherapist, I offer a safe place from which to explore. Each week I will delve into a topic from the realm of sex, intimacy and relationships. No subject is taboo! I will draw my topics from my own areas of interest, 30 years’ experience seeing clients, and topics sent in by you! I will have special guests who will discuss debate and advice on areas from first sexual experiences to all varieties of kinky sex to serial monogamy to dealing with sexually transmitted disease. I’ll answer those questions you have found it too embarrassing to ask, address the nitty gritty in down to earth language. To find out more and connect with me, head on over to my website at www.the-intimacy-coach.com.

About your host

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Lori Beth Bisbey

Dr Lori Beth Bisbey® is a psychologist, sex & intimacy coach, speaker, author & podcast host who has been working with people for 30+ years to help them create and maintain meaningful relationships with sizzling sex (without the shame). She has expertise in the treatment of trauma and GSRD (gender, sex, relationship diversity). The A to Z of Sex® (her main podcast) has been running since October 2016. Since end January 2019, it has been featured on the Health & Wellness channel, Voiceamerica.com.