Sex Spoken Here Power Exchange and BDSM Part 2

Sex Spoken Here BDSM, Power Dynamics in Relationships and the

reality of 50 Shades Part 2

Welcome to my virtual therapy room! I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and

this is Sex Spoken Here. As this podcast contains adult material, if

you don

’

t have total privacy you might want to wear headphones.

Today we are continuing our discussion about BDSM and power

dynamics in relationship. If you have not heard part one, please go

and download it from iTunes of

https://the-intimacy-coach/podcast

.

Last week we focused on some definitions and an introductory

discussion around where we found power dynamics, power

exchange and BDSM.

Joining me to start our discussion into these areas and to delve into

some of the theory is Dr Kevin Boileau, psychoanalyst and

philosopher to speak on this topic. It

’

s good to see you Dr Boileau.

We started by talking about reflection and Dr Boileau made the point

that there is direct reflection where you think about your thoughts

and a pre-reflective and preconscious space where you act on

intuition and there is flow and spontaneity. We spoke about this

being so especially when you are exploring anything that involves

extreme motivation as sexuality does.

Dr Boileau spoke of the daimonic which can turn demonic

–

aggressive and violent without responsibility or be open to

experience, responsible and eros-laden.

We spoke about normative sexual relationships as being dictated by

culture, family upbringing and Dr Boileau adds corporatized and

dictated by a patriarchal capitalist structure. He describes these as

very routinized relationships and spoke of the structure coming fro

m

the 9 to 5 job, Monday to Friday with family obligations at weekends.

And that people who step out of this mold can find themselves

shamed.

We spoke about people who explore this type of sexuality as having

higher levels of awareness and empathy with a willingness to listen

and the interrelational exploration increasing empathy and ability to

communicate. We then moved on to talk about power more

directly. Dr Boileau highlighted that in the old days power was seen

as a thing where as now it is described relationally. So we would

look at power as a strategic and tactical relationship and that

describes your place in the dynamic and your ability to make an

impact on those around you in a variety of circumstances.

 

Dr Boileau then went on to say that people who enter in to this

exploration have a moral obligation to do it in a way that does not

from those who are more experienced. He spoke about the need

for people to reflect so that they are not simply acting on impulses

saying they need to be in charge of themselves. Then we discussed

the value in having a mentor.

 

We spoke about the shame people can experience when they

engage in something that normative society doesn't overtly sanction

and also how people can feel shame if they are in a committed

relationships and they wish to explore but their partner does not.

We spoke of the difficulty couples have when one person grows and

changes and said that sometimes the other person may find it hard

to support the growth as they are scared of losing their partner

because they do not recognise this person as the one they fell in love

with. We agreed that speaking with a psychotherapist who has

expertise in working with these areas or a sex coach with expertise in

these areas is important and can make the difference between

weathering the difficult patch and creating something great together

and the relationship ending.

 

At the end of the show, I suggested that the next time we talk, we

discuss why people would want to engage in BDSM or power

exchange as I am often asked this question.